Living in Florida gives me a unique opportunity to observe men at some of their worst behavior. When I look past the absurdity of the actions that make the headlines, it becomes apparent how significant the level of frustration that many men harbor just below the surface is, and how it often manifests. Just yesterday, a Florida man was arrested for throwing a cup of coffee at a Dunkin Donuts employee because he received an extra cup of coffee he hadn’t ordered— which was free. In another recent incident, a man visited the mechanic who had fixed his car two years earlier, accused him of doing a poor job, then pulled out a gun and shot and killed him.
Extreme cases like these are becoming regular occurrences. However, what does this say about the everyday bad behavior and frustration levels of the average man that don’t make the news? Everything from storming out of a work meeting, to being confrontational with someone at the gym who hasn’t reracked weights or cleaned the bench, flipping off an irritating driver in traffic, or showing up unannounced at an ex’s house intoxicated at 1:30 in the morning and causing a scene— all these actions reveal our struggle to manage and control escalating feelings of frustration and powerlessness. When we lose control, we cease to be good men. Good men keep their composure, or they endure feelings of deep regret.
So, how can we regain our composure when we find ourselves behaving poorly? How can we take a step back, reset ourselves, and break the cycle of destructive behavior? I have implemented a few practices into my daily life to achieve this, and they have made a remarkable difference in all aspects of my life.
1. Complete Ownership – One of the most significant factors contributing to my frustration was realizing that I had fallen into the belief that life was happening to me, rather than me directing my life. This was the first mindset shift that needed to occur. While we may not be able to control someone leaving us or being overlooked for a deserved promotion at work or what happened in our messed-up childhood. But, in the words of one of my favorite people, Jack Canfield, “So what? It’s done and over. What are you going to do now?” These things happen to a lot of people; that’s just life, and this is our life. So what are we going to do now? The hard truth is, we played a role in all our adverse life circumstances. Whether it was our fault or not doesn’t matter. Something we did or didn’t do led to these results. We have to own it. Maybe we could’ve worked harder, taken more initiative to get the promotion, or left to find another job. Perhaps we could’ve been more attentive partners, inquired about what was lacking, tried harder to step up and meet our partners’ needs. Or maybe we should’ve recognized that things were not right for us and just moved on, but we didn’t. Jocko Willink says it best in his book Extreme Ownership, “Real leaders take complete ownership and responsibility for their lives and outcomes, regardless of the circumstances.” We have to step up, take responsibility for our lives, regardless of the situation.
2. Mindfulness – In my opinion, the term “Mindfulness” is somewhat misleading to describe how I practice mindfulness. It’s true that this powerful practice is designed to provide clarity on how our thoughts and inner dialogue affect our behavior and assist us in making positive changes. However, for me, this practice begins in the body. Becoming aware of how my body reacts to my thoughts and feelings. Studies show that we have approximately 65,000 thoughts a day, and up to 80% of them are automatic, with a majority being negative. Trying to manage all those thoughts was nearly impossible for me. However, I can be mindful of how tense or unsettled my body feels. These bodily sensations served as cues indicating that something was happening in my mind, allowing me to observe my thoughts and the way I was speaking to myself about the situation. Or something that happened days ago, or even worrying about something that might never happen in the future. I used to think negatively about things based on faulty beliefs. The practice of mindfulness involves setting aside time each day to sit in silence, becoming aware of how our negative thoughts and inner dialogue swirl around in our minds unrestricted. It also involves being attuned to how our body reacts while we let these thoughts flow freely. Next, we modify the inner dialogue, which enables us to navigate our day. By noticing when our body becomes tense or uneasy, we can examine our inner dialogue and shift it to a positive tone. There are numerous valuable resources available to assist with this practice. One that I found particularly helpful is “The Mindful Body” by Ellen J. Langer.
3. Gratitude – Initiating a daily gratitude list is an effective way to alleviate some of the stress in our lives. It’s challenging to feel stressed and anxious when we focus on the positive aspects of our lives. I typically list 3 to 5 things each day that I’m grateful for. I often try to include aspects of my life that trigger anxiety, discontent, or frustration and find something within those situations to appreciate. Often, it’s the valuable lessons learned and the chance to connect with others experiencing similar circumstances. Make creating a gratitude list a daily habit.
4. Regular Exercise is another excellent method to release the pent-up energy of frustration and anxiety. Not only does it redirect this energy, but it also offers us solitary time to reflect on our thoughts while engaging in physical activity. Exercise triggers the release of chemicals in our brain that aid in regulating our emotions. Your exercise routine doesn’t have to follow a specific formula or plan. Simply engaging in 20-30 minutes of physical exertion that challenges us either in terms of stamina, heart rate, or strength can be beneficial.
There will always be situations in life that provoke frustration. Trying to pursue a stress-free, smooth life may actually lead to more frustration. Integrating these practices into our daily routine can offer us a better perspective on challenging situations and influence how we react to them. While it requires time, discipline, and consistent practice, the more attentive we are to these practices, the sooner we can notice positive results. This will lead to a decrease in negative emotions and decrease our likelihood of becoming a Florida Man headline.
